What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
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I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
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are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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