Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Randomize