where's my purse there's an important taco in it
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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