the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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