I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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