Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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