During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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