i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
