Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
