I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
