Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
