Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
