i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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