I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
