So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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