I'm pants shitting drunk right now
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
