Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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