its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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