It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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