the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
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I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
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