I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
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She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
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fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.