I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
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