Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
