If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
