yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
