she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm too high and old for this...
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
