when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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