I'm really into asian looking animals
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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