The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
