I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
