There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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