Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
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When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
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I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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