So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
