She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
