I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
