I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
