Your mouth is God's brothel.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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