you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Green mimosas i think yes
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
