My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize