I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
