I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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