Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It's never too late to be topless.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
