dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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