She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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