I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
