Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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