my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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