remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
