last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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