he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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