Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
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I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
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What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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