I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
