My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
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i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
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ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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