I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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