my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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