my phone needs a breathalizer
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I touched a dick in church today
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
