and you said cock pushups were impossible
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
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handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
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finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.