Texts From Last Night

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  (312): View more from Illinois

  i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'

  (312): View more from Illinois

  i was like PREG?

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  (312): i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?' (312): i was like PREG? http://tfl.nu/r2o4
  Replies (9) Good night (943) Bad night (1145)
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.

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  (515): Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life. http://tfl.nu/dizz
  Replies (60) Good night (628) Bad night (5052)
• Favorite

  (323): View more from California

  The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.

  (1-323): View more from California

  Did you put it in the freezer again?

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  (323): The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child. (1-323): Did you put it in the freezer again? http://tfl.nu/uvmz
  Replies (29) Good night (952) Bad night (6318)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!

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  (813): for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?! http://tfl.nu/r22y
  Replies (51) Good night (6739) Bad night (872)
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.

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  (704): i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand. http://tfl.nu/a9f5
  Replies (10) Good night (4048) Bad night (1007)
• Favorite

  (606): View more from Kentucky

  I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket

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  (606): I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket http://tfl.nu/uu8e
  Replies (53) Good night (968) Bad night (4410)
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.

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  (405): Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am. http://tfl.nu/ox2k
  Replies (13) Good night (675) Bad night (4230)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it

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  (732): and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it http://tfl.nu/ub7i
  Replies (15) Good night (4297) Bad night (1172)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about

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  (330): apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about http://tfl.nu/0nal
  Replies (12) Good night (5446) Bad night (1250)
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  (903): View more from Texas

  One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.

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  (903): One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down. http://tfl.nu/7y05
  Replies (26) Good night (1629) Bad night (5789)
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller

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  (907): We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller http://tfl.nu/mw3b
  Replies (6) Good night (1225) Bad night (2144)
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals

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  (651): Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals http://tfl.nu/rxm6
  Replies (15) Good night (4083) Bad night (1259)
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven

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  (954): Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven http://tfl.nu/uc72
  Replies (2) Good night (553) Bad night (251)
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly

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  (314): I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly http://tfl.nu/uc15
  Replies (1) Good night (378) Bad night (255)
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.

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  (618): I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat. http://tfl.nu/8lem
  Replies (2) Good night (667) Bad night (351)

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