Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
